Masking

As I have said in my earlier posts, it is common for females on the spectrum to either be misdiagnosed or diagnosed late. This is often due to masking. Boys may mask as well, but it is more common in females with autism. Masking is another word for trying to fit in or camouflaging. An example would be if I joined a couple of friends at the movies even if I have no interest in going. It could also apply to emotions. I could pretend to be happy when internally I am freaking out.

Personally, I look at how the people around me are acting and copy them. I never really realized how much I did this until I got diagnosed officially. I knew I didn't fully fit in, but I didn't really understand why. At work I would try foods when people asked me to even if they looked disgusting because I was afraid of being judged for being picky. I used to not be able to pronounce my "R's" and my sisters name had an "R" in it. It was really embarrassing for me. I didn't know how to tell people "no." I got used a lot for that. When my sensory issues kicked in, I just got a little quieter because I didn't want to keep being that kid that was "too much." I had to pretend to be this easygoing person. I'm really not that easy. I hate changes in my routine, I have trouble understanding social cues, and I suck at maintaining eye contact. I also don't like loud noises, bright lights, or being touched. A lot of these things were hard to avoid growing up. I grew up in a Cuban family, where every one was very social and loved hugs and kisses. It was always so hard pretending to be okay with this. Everyone just thought "she's just shy." That was true, but no one ever thought to look deeper than that. I got a lot of looks when I was little that I still remember. There were two events I remember well. Both were at a loud auditorium with bright lights. When both occurred, I freaked out and ran outside the auditorium. Everyone just thought I was throwing a tantrum, but that wasn't it at all. It was just that no one realized how much noise and light affected me.

My mom tested me for autism when I was 10 years old. I remember they told her I met a lot of the criteria, but not enough to be on the spectrum. For 10 years I thought they might have made a mistake. I felt like the symptoms only got worse. It was hard to keep pretending to be "normal." When I started dating I couldn't hide it anymore. People started to wonder why I couldn't maintain a steady relationship. I had very strong reactions to breakups. They always ended in a meltdown. I think this was because that person became a part of my routine and that change was too much for me to handle. I also got abnormally obsessive over my partners. It was hard to spend even a second away from them. I knew it wasn't normal, but I couldn't really understand why. I turned 20 and decided to get tested again. I finally got the official diagnosis and I felt like I belonged somewhere. It may sound silly, but having the diagnosis made it easier to be myself. I didn't feel like I had to pretend to be someone I'm not or try to fit in anymore. I think it helped my family understand me as well. I still feel a little different from everyone, but I don't feel so lost as to why anymore.

I think it is important to look past the physical aspects of a person or how they may seem on the outside. If you suspect someone may be on the spectrum try to really dig deep; don't just assume it is just a phase. My family assumed that and it turned out to be so much more. I think it is important to get help as soon as possible if you have a disability. I didn't get the help I needed early on and it affected me greatly. My mom just got me some noise cancelling headphones and they have been life changing. I also just got my first weighted blanket and I can already see the affects. These sound like minor things, but trust me there is so much more to it than what you see on the outside. I feel like I can really be myself now. Getting a diagnosis is what made me want to start this blog. I wouldn't have had the motivation without my story. I want other people on the spectrum to feel like they don't have to keep masking. For anyone who feels like they have to mask; it is okay to be yourself. Individuals with a disability shouldn't have to pretend to be someone else just because they are a little different. It is so important that these individuals get the care they need.