Guest Entry- Gastroparesis & OCD
 

In many ways I almost forget what it’s like to live without the burden of mental illness. I don’t remember much of the time before. In middle school it started with sickness. Getting sick to my stomach while traveling, throwing up what I ate, starting to avoid eating before travel in any way because I would be afraid of getting sick. It started to affect my life in a multitude of ways that I didn’t really register until much later on.

Eventually I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis, which took a while because I am not diabetic. See, most of the time Gastroparesis is caused by diabetes, so when looking at what could be causing my illness back then, tests showing I was not diabetic made most doctors overlook the possibility. Unfortunately I fell into the 1-3% that was idiopathic (they aren’t sure what caused it). It could have been the acid reflux I had been dealing with initially that made me sick all the time, but it didn’t really matter. I was already stuck in the situation and there was then, and still now, no cure. 

 

My life at that point had devolved into fear and planning. At that age, there are a multitude of obligations you can’t really get out of. Busses… school… It was difficult to manage them and the illness. I couldn’t even go to the lunch room at that point without feeling sick from the smell of the food. I couldn’t eat much without throwing up at that point. Instead, I would nap in a kind teachers classroom during lunch instead, trying to regain my energy for the rest of the day.

 

My illness made school difficult and I had to finish my degree by taking a summer class after graduation, but I did make it through. Eventually, I found an online degree program that would make it much easier for me to get a college degree and everything was starting to look like I would be able to cope with the illness… until it didn’t.

 

It started with crippling panic attacks and emergency room visits. Impending doom, they call it. I felt like I was going to stop breathing and die. For a long time, it only got worse, fear of harming myself or my family, fear of losing control.

There were times when I remember having panic attacks so bad that I was in my bathtub begging my mother to hide the knives because I was afraid of hurting someone or myself with them. It was a totally irrational fear, and it was based on myself being afraid of losing control, of not understanding what was happening to me.

I had a great mental health counselor giggle when I told her, she said “Oh honey, you’re just afraid of those things happening BECAUSE you don’t want them to happen. The people that do those things WANT to do them, they aren’t afraid of doing them.” And it made me feel so much better. The idea of, “oh, yes. A classic symptom. Welcome to the club, we’ve been there before and can tell you that you will be okay.” The giggle she gave might come across as cruel to some, but it was delivered in a way that gave me confidence that she was right, what I was afraid of was a shadow on the wall, like Plato’s Cave.

 

I was eventually diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. Therapy three times a week helped, and talking to others, but it still took over a year before I left a 3 mile radius from my home. It took me a long time to get back on my feet and understand the cycle of fear that I had been trapped in.

 

That was over 15 years ago now. Even recently I will still have a panic attack pop up out of nowhere, but now I have two tools I didn’t have before. Fortitude and experience. I understand what I feared, and how it affects me. I understand that I am in control, and that the things I may think and feel during those attacks aren’t always real.

 

I wish I knew then, what I know now. Looking back over the journey so far, its easy to pick out so many ups and downs. In the moment, over the years, its really easy to lose sight of how it really affects you and your life. I am sure that even in the future, when I look back on the moments I am experiencing now, it will be with renewed context for what I don’t fully comprehend or understand at this moment. 

 

I guess I write this to say that when it comes to the day to day, the monotonous moments of the mundane and quiet parts of our lives, it’s easy to feel like we will be there forever. It isn’t true. Things can ALWAYS change. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow; but if I have learned anything in the last 15 years its that change is the one thing that you can count on. You must learn to embrace it when it comes, for better or for worse, because whatever changes come will change again eventually. The ups and downs of life are inevitable and when we are in the moments before and during that change, it can feel insurmountable. You can adapt and overcome any changes that come your way.

I know it may not feel that way now, but eventually you will be able to look back, like me, and see how far you’ve come. That doesn’t mean that it will be easy, it will take work, dedication, and faith in yourself. You won’t always feel confident that you can do it, but give yourself a chance. 

 

- Tyler